Listen to the song, sung by Charlotte Moore


“Prenatal Course”
from The Moose That Roared

“Prenatal Course”

Music & Lyrics by Jim Betts

Hello, hello.
I’m Milly Morse.
I’m your instructor for your prenatal course.
I’m here to help you all get totally prepared,
I’m here to tell you things your mother never dared.

Point number 1:
There will be pain.
It bears repeating, girls,
So let me stress again:
You will be screaming till the sweat pours down your face
As a ten inch head comes through a four inch space.

Point number 2:
Girls, if I were you
I wouldn’t waste my strength being heroic,
They don’t give any points for being stoic.
In a word, girls,
Sit and have contractions with a smile.
Why not have a baby in style?

Point number 3:
There will be blood,
And not a trickle, husbands,
No, we’re talking flood!
If you are squeamish, Mister Smith, it’s not for you,
‘Cause your wife will scream some words at you
You never thought she knew.

Now here’s a film:
The legs are spread.
Here comes the pain, here comes the blood,
Here comes the head.
I’ll answer questions now if anyone’s in doubt…
Oh, Mister Smith, I think your wife has passed out.

Point number 4:
Just when you think the pain is over, there’s more.
And when you’re sure it couldn’t possibly get much worse,
Call the nurse,
‘Cause it gets worse.

Now to conclude:
It isn’t fun.
And though it’s hell you get a prize when all is done.
But as you’re paying at the hospital cashier’s,
If you assume as you’re remembering the tears,
That the worst at least is over now: Well, my dears,
If you think that was bad, try the next twenty-five years!